He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
