And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
