I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
