take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
