Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You left your underwear on the fireplace
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
