I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
