I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
