drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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