Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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