My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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