dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
