i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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