plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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