You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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