shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
