I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
