just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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