No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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