I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
