it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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