life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just want to make out with him forever
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
