I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
