hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
