I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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