Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
