people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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