seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
