Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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