Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
