So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
