You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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