I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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