she was so not down for the gang bang
never play flip cup with pint glasses
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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