My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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