Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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