Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
