Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
