Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
