Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
