he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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