In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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