So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
