I think I am morally bankrupt
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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