Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My vagina is officially offended.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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