I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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