last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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