I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
