____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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