Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
