3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
