I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
